In October 2010 my best friend and I went to Goa. It was an amazing holiday that I’ll remember for the rest of my life.
We stayed in a 5* hotel in Anjuna.
We ate barbecued fish on the beach.
I adopted a billion beach dogs.
We tried not to make eye contact with teeny dancing contortionists on the beach.
We made friends with a 35 strong group of hilarious Canadians.
We drank all day every day.
We had a privately organised Goan Feast and a sing-song on the beach at night.
We had a spontaneous dance off, in a back street cafe, in the rain, to Graceland, with an ageing Italian artist, some ex pats and the local herb seller boys.
We got ripped off in the market by some women with black teeth.
I fell in love with 14 million road cows.
We had decided against going on any trips with the tour guides, and just made our way around on the little local busses.
One day we wanted to take a trip to Dudhsagar falls, the 2nd biggest waterfall in India, and visit a spice farm, so we booked a private taxi for the day for the 14 hour round trip.
He picked us up at 5am, and we drove for hours.
Eventually, at around midday, we reached the area of Jungle that we had to cross to get to the waterfall. We were given a bunch of bananas each, and piled into some 4x4s.
We drove through some jungle. It was amazing. Beautiful…massive spiders, though. We had to cross some bits of river in the car, and made our way to the trail to walk to the waterfall.
Here there were hundreds of Monkeys. They came running over to eat the bananas out of our hands. I almost died at their cuteness.
Then we had to cross the rock ridden Mondovi river to get to the waterfall. It was a slippery, slidey nightmare, but when we reached the waterfall it was well worth it. Absolutely stunning.
While we were at the waterfall, most of the monkeys had stayed in the leafy part, rather than come out to the falls, but there were a couple, running and jumping around and showing off for the punters.
This little pair of monkeys made their way to me. I gave them a banana. And then it happened.
The male monkey came over, took the banana from me. He turned it over in his hands, sniffed it, licked it…then in one swift move, grasped the banana between his teeth, grabbed the other monkey…and fucked it with all his might. Like a little furry jack-hammer, with a banana in its teeth.
He banged away, grinning and screeching, looking me in the eye the whole time. Obviously, I thought this was HILARIOUS.
I was still laughing like a maniac when the banging banana-monkey pulled out of his bangee, and ejaculated into his little hand (banana still in mouth). He played with it for a second or two. He looked me in the eye again…and then threw his spunk at my foot.
My hysterical laughter turned to retches. I was laughing and retching in equal measure (this has only happened to me once, when I said something so revolting about something I was eating, that I was nearly sick, and had to throw it away…it was funny though, and disgusting), a very odd sensation.
Everyone was laughing. My best friend was taking photos, the old Indian men were in hysterics, the stiletto wearing Russian girl almost wet herself.
The banana monkey calmly wiped the spunky residue onto a rock, then proceeded to unpeel and eat the banana…like a human with a post coital cigarette.
That is the thing that I remember most vividly about that holiday. I’d imagine as the memories fade with time, I’ll always remember, with a pure clarity, the day that a monkey repaid me for a banana by giving me a sex show and chucking his semen at me.
Rancid…but very, very funny.