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I’ve long maintained that the sign of a ‘proper grown-up’, is lawnmower ownership. I can’t think of anything I’d least like to waste my hard-earned cash on.

lawnmowers are shit. They are big, ugly and need to be kept in a garage/shed. They use electricity, which not only costs a fortune these days, but is not environmentally friendly.

They get broken by stones. They shred cigarettes with remarkable ease (cigarettes=expensive). I have even had a pair of £105 flip flops reduced to some scattered beads and mangled leather by one of these beasts (and my father’s inability to make sure the lawn was clear before he fired up his big, ugly, unwieldy machine, and proceeded to hack up anything in its path).

No. The more I think about it, the stronger I become in my resolve never to own one of these abominations.

When I, eventually, grow out of living in upper level flats and have a garden, I’ll make a much more fun, environmentally friendly, and sensible (in my opinion) purchase.

I’ll buy a pair of goats.

Goats are brilliant. I can’t understand why more people don’t have them as lawn-trimming pets.

They’ll eat grass, weeds and shrubs. I would only use a garden for parties, barbeques and sunbathing, so this wouldn’t be an issue for me.

A common misconception is that they’ll eat anything. Unfortunately, this isn’t true. If it was I’m sure they’d have been utilised to deal with our landfill problems. They do, however, lick and nibble anything they think might be edible, so I’d need to use a high washing line.

You can milk goats. Can you milk a lawnmower? No you can’t. Free milk and cheese. Who wouldn’t jump at the chance of that?

They have horns. You could teach them to charge at wankers, and they could serve all your guard-dog needs.

Got a rockery? Goats are adept at climbing, and would weed it with no trouble.

If you got Angora goats you could shave them in the summer, and make cashmere scarves for christmas presents. Everyone loves cashmere. Your friends would love you.

Goat’s babies are called kids. If you don’t have any children, you could still use “I need to get back to the kids” as an excuse to leave boring social engagements. You wouldn’t even have to lie.

You might think that them shitting in the garden would be a problem. Just use it as fertiliser!

Apart from the practicalities, goats are funny.

They are intelligent and curious, and make good pets.

They are sweet. They have beards. They have funny ‘letterbox’ pupils, a bit like a devil.

They are good fun. How much fun do you get from a lawnmower? No fun at all, is the answer to that.

Goats can climb up trees. Can lawnmowers climb trees and play in the treehouse that you have built them? No they can’t.

Goats live 15-18 years. Do lawnmowers last that long? I doubt it.

Goats are cute and friendly. Lawnmowers are not.

When a lawnmower comes to the end of its life, can you make it into a delicious goat curry? Only if you like ‘metal & blade tikka masala’.

(I’m only kidding, you wouldn’t eat your dead pet. You could use its skin, though)

I’m definitely going with the goat!

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